


Just say you won't let go

by inaudible_d



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Flashbacks, M/M, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:08:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inaudible_d/pseuds/inaudible_d
Summary: Sho had a dream. Jun was the one living it. They got in a relationship which then fell apart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for learashi at the shoexchange, thanks for the awesome prompt. Thanks to my beta. Thanks to J who helped brainstorming the initial idea for this one. Thanks to Ari who nagged me into listening to One OK Rock's latest album, from where I got my inspiration from. Thanks to C for the support especially nearing my deadline (if keep telling me to drop out of the exchange can be counted as support :p).
> 
> The songs I listened to while making this fic (thus became my inspiration for this) are:  
> 0\. [One OK Rock - One Way Ticket](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq6rzf3PvTU) (Sho's POV)  
> 1\. [One OK Rock - Hard To Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd4sT3CFLeI) (Jun's POV)  
> 2\. [One OK Rock - Listen featuring Avril Lavigne](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WOv4nK098c)  
> 3\. [BIGBANG - If You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GgiFwpEkcw) (Sho's POV of their breakup scene - YES I KNOW the breakup scene in this fic is in Jun's POV BUT JUST LISTEN TO THAT SONG IF YOU WOULD)  
> 4\. [TAEYANG (태양) – Eyes, Nose, Lips (눈, 코, 입)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjm920Fyo34) (Jun's POV of their breakup scene)  
> 5\. [Ciara - Goodies ft. Petey Pablo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtC92pzp5vw) (the music helped me with the sexy times)  
> 6\. [BTOB - 괜찮아요 (It's Okay)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNpuKLfv1EE) (holding my hands through the difficult times of finishing this fic)

Sho looks up at the ceiling above his head. The bed suddenly feels more empty than usual. He just woke up from a strange dream. In that dream, all of his wishes came true, and everyone was happy. In that dream, there was the only person he wants to see after all these years. 

In that dream, there was Jun beside him, happily laughing like there was no tomorrow. Jun’s eyes were nothing but thin lines, Jun’s nose scrunched slightly, mouth opened wide, making the most beautiful sound Sho could ever remember. Jun’s shoulders shook as he continued laughing.

They were sitting together in a park where they used to spend their childhood together, only this time, they weren’t kids anymore. Sho was at his age now, and Jun was also a grown up man. A grown up, well-groomed man. It was funny because Sho doesn’t even have an idea how Jun looks like. Well, aside from the occasional photographs he sees in magazines or clips he sees on TV.

It has been years since Sho heard from Jun. It has been years since the last time they talked to each other. It has been years since the night that wrecked their relationship apart. The fact that they had spent almost two decades side by side did nothing in preventing the fallout.

Sho could still remember faintly how they drifted apart from each other. Nights spent together in silence like they were strangers who happened to live in the same house. How he decided that it was probably best to leave, only to see Jun leave him instead. 

Sho lifts his hand and puts it on his chest. He strokes his chest slowly, trying to lessen the pain that he feels. He won’t lie: even though he understood that separating was the best decision for them, Sho still feels the pain of losing Jun. No one holds a place in his heart the way Jun does. And he knows for sure that he won’t let anyone get into his heart the way he let Jun in.

The sound of rain outside slowly soothes him as he lets sleep take him once again, hoping that, this time, he won’t see Jun in his dream.

—

Jun held the phone in his hand, gripping it tightly near his chest. His hands were shaking; his eyes were blown. He just got a call that he never thought he would. He had wanted the call to come, honestly, but he didn’t have the courage to actually expect it. Slowly, he pulled his hands from his chest. Looking at the phone worriedly, he keyed in the number he memorized so well.

“Hello?” The answer came immediately like it always did.

“Sho-kun?” Jun called out, his voice shaking.

“Jun? What happened?” Sho replied; worry was evident in his voice.

“I… I just got a call from your agency.”

A moment of silence, then, “What?”

“They said that I should come to practice tomorrow,” Jun added. His voice was no longer shaking, but the tone of his voice still showed his surprise.

“Wait, what? When did you go to audition? You didn’t tell me anything!”

“I didn’t go to audition,” Jun replied, surer this time, gripping the phone in his hand. “I didn’t go to audition, Sho-kun. I only sent in my application two days ago, but they called me to practice anyway. Isn’t that great?”

Another moment of silence. Jun held his breath, waiting for Sho’s answer.

“Yeah, I guess it is. Congratulations, Jun,” Sho finally said.

If there was a hint of bitterness in Sho’s voice mixed with what Jun knew as Sho’s smile over the phone, Jun chose to overlook it.

—

The taxi stops at an intersection. The traffic light is red on its side of the road. Inside, Jun looks up from his script, mistaking the brief stop as them reaching his house. Just when he realizes that they are still one block away from his house, he sees an ad banner on a building just across the street. It shows a photo of a man wearing a suit, leaning on the side of it, smirking just so slightly.

It’s the newest ad banner of the perfume commercial that Sakurai Sho endorses.

Jun looks at the ad for a few seconds, his expression unchanged. He only looks away when the light turns green, and the taxi starts moving again.

He can’t believe that despite them deciding to go their own ways years ago, he still adores Sho just the same way he did when they were kids. Sometimes Jun wishes that he could turn back time and change the foolish decision he made years ago. After all, it was a decision that was made out of spur anger.

Jun sighs at the thought and shakes his head. It’s over. He will probably be a fan of Sho’s work until God-knows-when, but that’s it. Their relationship will never go back to the one they had before, and Jun knows it very well.

After all, even though it wasn’t a decision that he had thought through, it ended up being the best one for the both of them.

—

Sho tightened his grip. Today had been a long day for him, and it seemed like it wouldn’t be over soon. His acting teacher was standing right in front of him, waiting for him to repeat his line for the 37th time. Yes, he remembered how many times he’d read this particular line, yet it seemed that nothing could satisfy his teacher. He had tried with different accents, different intonations, yet nothing worked.

Nakagawa-san, his teacher, raised his eyebrows at Sho, and Sho took one deep breath before reading his line again.

“I’m dropping everything I have. I’ll follow you wherever you go. I—” Nakagawa-san raised his hand, gesturing him to stop.

“Sakurai-kun. How many times have I said it? You have to mean what you say.”

Sho gripped his fist so tight that he could feel it shaking. “You didn’t even wait until I finished that line,” he replied, gritting his teeth. He couldn’t take this. He tried, but how was he supposed to know what to do if his teacher didn’t give him even a slight clue of what to fix or what to improve.

Nakagawa-san shook his head. “I don’t need to hear you say it to know that you really mean it.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?!”

“I’ve told you, you have to mean it. You have to feel it in your heart. You have to feel it and express it like you mean it,” Nakagawa-san shook his head again. “I thought you were smart enough for this, Sakurai-kun. I mean, you got this role without even trying. Now I don’t know what to say to your boss, knowing how terrible you are at this.”

“But you’re my teacher. Aren’t you supposed to give me—” Sho’s sentence was cut by a sound of knocking on the door. Both Sho and Nakagawa-san turned their heads to the door in an instant. It was way past the agency’s rehearsal hour, so no one should have any business to do with any of them or the room.

The knob on the door turned, and then a head showed up from behind it. His eyes scanned the whole room then met Nakagawa-san’s eyes. He jerked up in surprise and blurted an apology before quickly closing the door again.

But Nakagawa-san was faster. “Jun-kun!” He called out. “What are you doing here?”

Jun’s eyes grew big as he pushed the door open and bowed. “I’m sorry, Nakagawa-san! I was waiting for Sho-san.”

“Come in,” Nakagawa-san waved his hand.

Jun bowed once again, apologetically, then walked in and closed the door. “I’m sorry for interrupting your class, Nakagawa-san. I really didn’t mean to.”

Nakagawa-san looked at Jun carefully, and Sho didn’t miss the way Jun’s ears redden on the tip. “What if you try reading this line to show Sakurai-kun here how it’s done.”

Jun raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me, Nakagawa-san. But I really shouldn’t be intruding in your practice.”

“Nonsense. We’ve been doing that for more than one hour without progress, so you’re actually a good distraction.” Nakagawa-san turned his head to Sho, “Give him the script and tell him the lines.”

Sho couldn’t say no to his teacher’s command, so he looked at Jun and waved his hand, calling Jun to come over. Jun walked hastily to Sho’s side. Sho shoved the script under Jun’s nose and told Jun the line he should be reading. Jun read the line audibly, then he looked up to Nakagawa-san and nodded.

“Whenever you’re ready, Jun-kun,” Nakagawa-san told him.

Jun took a step back, then lifted his head to look at Sho. Sho gaped. The look on Jun’s eyes was different from the one he had always seen in Jun’s eyes. The usually shining, cheerful eyes changed into something Sho couldn’t explain. It was strong, but it was also softer in a way. The gleam was still there, underneath something that looked quite close to resolution.

When Jun opened his mouth, Sho swore that his heart stopped.

“I’m dropping everything I have. I’ll follow you wherever you go. I mean it,” Jun paused for a beat. “Sho-san.”

Sho didn’t realize that he held his breath throughout the line Jun just read until he heard Nakagawa-san clapping from his side.

“Now _that’s_ how you do it!” He moved closer to Jun and shook his hand. “I knew you’d be great at this. You’re so natural, unlike this stiff Sakurai-kun here.”

At that time, when Sho glanced at Jun, he had already returned to being the shy, cheerful boy Sho had always known. Nakagawa-san said that Jun should be trying to audition for this role instead, but Jun declined shyly. When he then noticed that Sho had been staring and turned to look at Sho, grinning, Sho didn’t understand the burning feeling in his chest.

A few days later, when the announcement that Sho was removed from the lead role and Jun was appointed as the new one came, Sho understood. It was envy that he felt back then.

—

Sho blinks when he sees the email from his manager. The email contains the detail of his job for next month, nothing new about that. What surprises him is the name that’s listed as one of the guests for his evening show with Ariyoshi-san. It says Matsumoto Jun will be one of the guests.

Sho shakes his head as he furiously types a reply to his manager. His manager knows what happened between him and Jun years ago. Sho remembers precisely that he had instructed his manager to discuss the management about who to invite to his shows, and he’s sure that Jun is definitely on the list of people he doesn’t want to meet on his show.

Not that he wants to be unprofessional or anything, but his and Jun’s fallout was horrible, and Sho wants to avoid any encounter with Jun if possible.

It hasn’t even been two minutes when he gets a reply from his manager. The mail says, “I’ll explain to you later on about this, but basically, his upcoming movie is going to be a big hit and TBS—well and Ariyoshi-san—doesn’t want to miss this opportunity to get a high rating for this one episode. You know Ariyoshi is the god in this show.”

Sho sighs. His manager is right. Ariyoshi-san cares a lot about the rating of the show, and he might even have no idea about Sho’s relationship with Jun anyway. Sho doesn’t want to be unprofessional about his job by asking Ariyoshi-san to let go of this Jun guesting, so he has to deal with it, he guesses.

After all, it will be a short interview, thirty minutes tops. It’s just for work, so Sho thinks that he should be professional enough not to let his own issues interfere. Sho shakes his head. He _is_ professional, what is he thinking about? It must have been because of the dream he had a week ago.

—

The letter came on an ordinary day in spring, just before school started again. Jun had expected it to come, seeing what he had done for the last four months, but still, it came as a surprise.

Jun just arrived home after a long tiring day of rehearsal for his next stage play. The head of the agency said that if he could succeed this one, he’d be able to get any role he wanted for the next drama season. He stated that he’d make sure Jun would get it. That was why Jun had been spending the last month rehearsing, only going home when everyone else begged him to stop and asked to go home.

There was no answer to his greeting when he arrived, but Jun was already used to that. What was unusual was when he went to the kitchen to get a drink before heading to bed, he saw his parents sitting by the dining table.

“You’re home,” Jun’s father said.

Cautiously, Jun walked to the remaining empty chair of the dining table. “Is there anything wrong?”

His parents said nothing, but his father slid an envelope on the table towards him. “This arrived today.”

Jun took the envelope and opened it warily, wondering what could be so important that his parents even waited for him to come home. When he read the paper inside it, he knew. His time was up. He lifted his face to look at his parents’ face, and as expected, they started lecturing him.

His father told him about how they allowed him to join the agency but not for this. They said they weren’t going to compensate for him that he dropped out of school. They said he had to live on his own.

All the while, his mother stayed eerily quiet, not saying even a word, not shedding even a single tear. Jun had expected that since his mother tends not to show any emotion when she’s deeply disappointed. Of anything else, that was probably the thing Jun regretted the most. So while his father still spoke about the importance of school and the likes, Jun stood up and bowed, effectively stopping his father’s speech.

“Then let me live on my own now. I don’t want to be a burden to the both of you. I can do it on my own,” Jun clenched his fists tight as he could feel himself shaking. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t even have a plan. But he didn’t want to see his mother suffer even more.

Jun walked to hug his mother, and then he walked out of the kitchen and to his bedroom, his previous thirst forgotten.

After packing all his necessities in a small traveling bag, Jun walked out of his parents’ house without saying goodbye. He pulled out his phone from his pocket to see the time, then quickly walked to the station as he saw it was nearing the time for the last train.

He arrived at the train on time; the last train hadn’t arrived yet, wouldn’t be for a while. So he keyed a number on his phone, one he had memorized so well, and put his phone near his ear, waiting for the line to connect. It didn’t take long until he heard a greeting from across the line.

“Sho-kun, I’m going to stay at your place if that is okay.”

—

Jun is just going to leave the studio after his photo shoot session for a magazine when his manager shows up at the door.

“Don’t forget tomorrow you have a filming for TBS,” his manager says while taking his coat from the rack, helping him to get ready to leave.

Jun only nods at that. His manager will send the details later anyway. He doesn’t need to worry about it right now.

“I don’t know if you remember, but you’re going to Sakurai-san’s show tomorrow,” his manager adds.

Jun almost jerks his head around at the mention of Sakurai Sho, thankfully he catches himself just on time. His manager doesn’t need to know about his past with Sakurai Sho.

“I don’t, honestly. But thanks for reminding me. Did they send some lines I have to follow for tomorrow?” Jun manages to reply.

His manager shakes his head. “Nah. They said you could just do promotion on your movie. The rest is going to be about the questionnaire you filled the other day.”

Jun blinks his eyes. He doesn’t remember what he filled on whatever questionnaire it was his manager talks about.

—

It wasn’t weird to have dinner in silence for the Sakurai family, and that included the occasional celebration dinner. Sho was grateful that his family would at least say nothing at his 20th birthday dinner, because January 25th also marked the time he rebelled against his family and went to join the talent agency. Sho was fifteen when he joined, so it had been five years since then, but Sho had yet to prove what he once said when he went against his family.

But apparently, his relief couldn’t last for too long.

“It has been five years, hasn’t it?” His father suddenly brought up the topic.

Sho nodded awkwardly, anticipating what his father was going to say.

“So? We still haven’t seen your leading role debut. I thought you went to join a talent agency because you wanted to be an actor,” his father added.

Sho was just about to open his mouth when his sister joined the conversation from the other side of the table. “I watched Jun-kun’s drama yesterday! It was great! How has he been?”

Sho’s parents, sister, and brother, already knew about Sho’s relationship with Jun and that they lived together. Of all things, Sho definitely never thought that his parents would be more okay with their son being gay than joining a talent agency.

“Oh that’s right,” Sho’s father replied. “Didn’t Jun-kun get in the company about one year after you did?”

Sho nodded again. Suddenly, he was reminded of how Jun followed what had been his dream since he was a kid. And how he did a better job instead of him at achieving _his_ dream. Sho suddenly felt a lump in his throat, making swallowing his food difficult.

“Sho-kun,” Sho’s train of thought was stopped when his mother joined the conversation. “If you don’t want to continue working for that agency, it will absolutely be okay.”

Sho sighed. He understood too well what it meant. His mother saying that, giving him a choice, was actually an order for him to quit for real. But Sho couldn’t do it. He was already so close to his dream, and he didn’t want to throw it away just like that.

“Your mother is right,” his father added. “I mean if Jun, who got in one year after you, had starred in two TV dramas and one big screen movie, I think it means you’re just horrible at it. What are you looking for, son?”

Sho took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. He tried to focus more on his food and how to finish it as soon as possible. His family was not going to make him give up.

The fact that it was true that Jun was better at him in the thing he wanted to do the most, however, made Sho more bitter than he thought. Gripping his chopsticks tightly, Sho tried to not think about how Jun had been the one successful when it was his dream. His time just hadn’t come yet, Sho tried to remind himself. It wasn’t Jun’s fault that he kept failing.

A few minutes of awkward silence later, Sho’s brother finally got their father’s attention away from Sho’s (non-existent) acting career. Sho was thankful for that, but he still couldn’t shake off the envy he felt towards Jun thanks to his parents’ comments.

When they finished the dinner, Sho told his family that he couldn’t stay the night. His father didn’t budge. His mother showed a little bit of objection, but she didn’t say anything. Sho took it as his permission to leave.

On his way home, Sho still couldn’t shove the feeling of envy off. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Jun ended up living the life that he once dreamed of. He could usually push the feeling away quickly, but after his father basically mocked him about his non-existent career, he couldn’t do it.

He wondered how he’d face Jun later when he got back to their place. The only thing he hoped was for Jun to already be sleeping when he got there.

A few minutes later, Sho arrived at their apartment. He unlocked the door and closed it behind him, only to be surprised by a body pinning him back to the door, followed by lips pressing to his. Sho was surprised for a moment, before closing his eyes and just drinking in the taste that was Jun. He put his hands on Jun’s back, pulling their bodies closer together, pressing himself demandingly to Jun.

They parted after a few minutes to get some air; Jun pressed his forehead against Sho’s. Panting, Sho blinked a few times before asking, “What are you doing still up at this hour?”

“Waiting for you,” Jun answered shortly, then pulled his face from Sho’s to press kisses to the side of Sho’s face. To his jaw, to the side of his neck.

Sho moaned when Jun mouthed at his vein. He could feel Jun’s lips curved into a smile later. “You didn’t even know that I’d come back here. What if I chose to stay at my parents’ house instead?”

Jun moved upwards, tracing Sho’s neck with kisses, and stopped near Sho’s ear. His next words came as a whisper, directly to Sho’s ear. “You’d call if you did. Besides, I’m sure you don’t want to spend your birthday night without your boyfriend—” Jun paused to lick Sho’s earlobe “—Sho.”

When Jun then bit Sho’s earlobe at the same time as he squeezed Sho’s ass and grinded his crotch against Sho’s, the burning heat of envy that Sho felt before changed to a burning heat of need instead.

—

Apparently, the ‘explaining later’ thing that his manager promised never happened, and here Sho is now, in the briefing before the filming of the episode of his show with Jun as his guest. Sho stares blankly at the papers in his hand. The piece of paper that has what he’s going to say on his show, the questions he’s going to ask, and the answer that Jun has prepared.

“Now let’s move to the next part. On this part, we will ask if Matsumoto-san has something important that he has learned from his experience as an actor. The usual stuff, you see, we will follow up from there,” The AD’s voice brought Sho’s back to the present.

“As usual, this part is one of the best selling points of this show, so we’re going to do our best to get this information out of him.”

Sho tries to get his focus back to the meeting, so he reads what is written on the paper. His guest would usually put a brief answer there, and they’d explain it later on the show. But Jun had only written one sentence as the answer to the question.

‘Real friendship is important.’

—

Jun was packing his photo frames from the top of the cupboard in their bedroom when a voice startled him. He turned around to see Sho standing on the bedroom door.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving,” Jun answered curtly.

“What? Why—we never talked about this before!” Sho moved fast to Jun’s direction and gripped Jun’s wrist hard. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Jun waved his hand to make Sho let go of his grip, but to no avail. He took a shaky breath angrily, and said, “Why should I tell you I’m moving out? You didn’t tell me you left the agency!”

Sho’s grip on his wrist loosened, and Jun took the time to shake it off. Sho looked right into his eyes, hurtful. “How did you know?”

“Did you think I would never know? Just—did you even plan to tell me about it? Ever?” Jun shook his head then continued to pick up his things. This time just randomly, trying not to smash anything at least, because, how could Sho say that?

“No, I mean,” Sho sounded exasperated. Jun didn’t have to look to know that Sho closed his eyes and took a breath to calm himself. “I did plan to tell you, but I haven’t found the time.”

“Of course you can’t find time, Sho-san,” Jun gritted his teeth. He turned his face to see Sho again, and spat the words on Sho’s face, “Because you don’t want to. I am just a burden to you, aren’t I? A childhood friend, no, acquaintance, who ended up stealing your dream and robbing your freedom. You don’t want me here, you never did. So I’m leaving now, that’s what you want anyway, right?”

“Jun, can’t we at least—”

Jun had turned around to grip Sho’s collar and backed him to the wall. “Tell me now, then, Sho-san. Tell me that what I said was completely wrong. Look me in the eyes and tell me that there was no truth in that. Then I’ll stay.”

Jun watched as Sho blinked once, twice, taking a breath through his nose and sighing. He wished that Sho would do it. Would assure him that all he said was all a figment of his imagination and that he had been wrong.

He wanted Sho to tell him that he was wrong and that he should have trusted Sho more. Even though how Sho had treated him all this time showed how right Jun had been, if Sho denied it, Jun was also willing to try keeping their relationship intact.

After all, Sho was the only person he had ever loved so hard. He couldn’t even imagine what he’d do after he leaves Sho. He couldn’t even imagine what his life would be without Sho in it.

Yet after a few seconds that felt like forever for Jun, all he got was Sho dropping his head and saying bitterly, “I’m sorry, Jun.”

Shaking, Jun let go of his grip, making Sho slide on the wall and fall to the floor. He said nothing as he took what was left of his stuff and walked out of the door, leaving his key on the key holder beside the door.

He didn’t plan to go back.

—


	2. Chapter 2

It’s already dark when Sho gets out of the studio to look for Jun. The filming of the next episode just ended a few minutes ago, but Jun’s part was already done half an hour before. Sho had to shoot another scene with another guest before his part was done.

Walking in the empty corridor, Sho wishes that he can at least meet Jun before he leaves. Seeing and hearing Jun in person after all these years brings out a revelation in Sho. He had been ignoring it all these years, but now he can’t anymore. He needs Jun in his life, and he knows now that he can’t live another day without Jun in it.

Even if Sho is the only one feeling that, he needs to look for Jun. There are too many things he wants to say, too many things he wants to make right.

Sho almost reaches the end of the corridor when he sees Jun’s manager. He draws a breath in relief. At least Jun’s manager is still here. He slows down and greets Jun’s manager, then he starts to ask about Jun’s whereabouts.

Much to his disappointment, Jun has already left the building. Sho sighs, dropping his head. Well, probably it’s for the best. He lifts his head, puts on his best “it’s okay” smile, and is about to leave, when Jun’s manager says.

“Do you need his contact number or anything, Sakurai-san?” 

—

It has been a week since they met in the studio, and here Jun is, outside of the bar they promised to meet at. Jun takes a glance at his watch. It’s already fifteen minutes past the time they agreed to meet. Jun deliberately arrives late, not wanting to give Sho the impression that he wants this too.

Because however permanent Sho’s place in his heart is, Sho doesn’t need him as much as he does, and he’s tired of playing the chasing game. It ended years ago. He has no reason to start the game again now that he knows how unwilling Sho is to fight for their sake.

Jun crosses the road when the crosswalk signal turns green, taking slow steps towards the bar. He knows he’s late, but he’s not even sure that Sho is already inside, there is no need to rush.

When Jun finally reaches the bar’s entry, he nods at the concierge, who recognizes him as a regular and lets him in. Jun asks him if Sho is already inside. He furrows his brows.

“Are you here with him? You know we can’t inform guests about other guests without their permission.”

Jun holds himself from rolling his eyes at him. This concierge probably has no idea about his relationship with Sho. They were never here together, after all.

“Yeah, I’m with him,” Jun replies.

The concierge takes his handie-talkie out and speaks on it, gesturing to Jun to wait a moment. So wait Jun does, feeling slightly hopeful that Sho is already here. But then he remembers that it’s Sho. Of course he’s going to be there on time.

Still holding the handie-talkie, the concierge speaks to Jun again, “Get in, Matsumoto-san. My friend will escort you to the private room.” And then he speaks to his handie-talkie again.

Jun gets in the bar and is immediately greeted by the waiter. He follows the waiter to the private room. When they arrive at the place, the waiter opens the door and nods.

Jun totally didn’t expect to see Sho in his casual clothes looking so good and relaxed, nursing a glass of Scotch.

Stepping in, Jun wills himself once again that he isn’t going to fall too easily for whatever Sho is going to say.

“Oh you’re here,” Sho greeted, giving the sheepy smile Jun never knew he missed. Jun curses inwardly. Seems like it’s not going to be easy after all.

—

Sho quietly watches as Jun settles into the seat in front of him. Jun orders a drink to the waiter who is still waiting by the door—anything Sho-san has, make it double—then swiftly lowers himself to the chair, clearly avoiding to look in Sho’s direction. So Sho turns around to the waiter and asks for the same drink. If he’s going to have this conversation with Jun being defensive, he’s going to need another drink.

When Sho has made sure that the waiter has the correct order and lets him leave, he turns his gaze back to the table to see Jun scrolling on his phone. Sho sighs. Jun is definitely not going to make this easy.

“How have you been?” Sho decides to blurt out. It won’t hurt to open a conversation with the guy he hasn’t talked in years with a simple question about his well-being, at least.

“Good,” Jun answers curtly, eyes still locked on his phone. Then, after a brief moment of pause, Jun lifts his face to look at Sho. “You?” Jun shoots, eyes piercing, lips curving into a sharp angle.

Sho sucks in a breath. He didn’t expect Jun to look at him like that. Sho can almost see the resentment in Jun’s eyes boring into him. “I’m good too,” Sho nods, doing all his best not to stutter.

Jun nods in reply, then returns his gaze to his phone. Sho turns to look at the wall of the private room, which he has started to regret being in. It was probably better to have the usual crowd of a bar than a cold, eerie silence like this one.

But then again, Sho needs to say something to Jun, and he won’t be able to do it with all the noise outside. Just when Sho wills himself to start talking to Jun anyway, he hears the door being knocked.

The waiter is here to bring them their order. He puts their drinks on the table and tells them that they can call him if they want to order anything else, as he’ll be waiting in the corridor just outside. Sho nods at him, telling him that they don’t need anything else for now, and watching the waiter leaves them.

Sho takes a sip of his next glass, feeling the burn on his throat. Seeing Jun has had a sip of his drink too, he dares himself to start the conversation.

“I never said sorry,” Sho says, looking straight up at Jun.

Sho doesn’t miss the way Jun’s eyes widen slightly at that, even though he masks it soon enough with a smirk. “What for?”

“For being a total jerk.”

Much to Sho’s surprise, Jun snorts. “Really? That is what you’re sorry for?”

Sho looks at him in disbelief. What does Jun mean by that question? Is there anything worse he has done to Jun?

Jun probably sees how surprised Sho is by the question. He shakes his head and gulps his drink. “So you really didn’t realize?”

“Didn’t realize what?” Sho gets even more surprised at how shaky his voice sounds.

Sho swears he must be imagining things when he then sees Jun smiling bitterly. “Sho-san. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. Even if you do, you should do it to yourself, not to me.”

“Wha—”

“I was the one who followed your steps to reach _your_ dream. _I_ was who, in the end, lived _that_ dream, dropping everything I have for a dream I know isn’t mine, but that I also can’t drop because I know how precious it is for someone I care about the most.”

“Jun, what do you mea—”

“I won’t even join the agency if it wasn’t because I want to be like you. I adore and respect you so much that I can’t even imagine living a life without following what you’re doing. I tried so hard, Sho-san, to follow your path. Little did I know, it, in turn, ended up destroying you,” Jun lowers his gaze and shakes his head. “Destroying us.”

Jun sounds almost angry; his last sentence came out shaky like he’s been holding that inside for the longest time. Sho doesn’t know how to react to this. He was prepared to apologize, to ask Jun to give him another chance to make it right. He didn’t prepare for this coming from Jun.

Sho suddenly feels himself burning, the weight of Jun’s words seeping in. How long has Jun felt guilty over this? How long has he been blaming himself when it was never his fault? Even though Sho couldn’t deny, he also blamed Jun a few times. But it was in the past. He was a child who couldn’t bear the fact that someone younger than him, someone who had always followed him, live the life he had been dreaming of instead. But it’s different now. He’s older now, and wiser.

Is he, though? He takes another sip of his drink, trying to wash it away. It only burns more.

When Sho was still busy collecting himself from Jun’s confession, Jun looks at him in the eyes. “See? This is who I am, Sho-san. You don’t want to be with the one who has destroyed what you’ve been dreaming of since you were a kid. You don’t need me to go on with your life.”

Out of a sudden, Jun stands up from his seat and gathers his stuff. “I’m leaving now if you have nothing else to say. Good night.”

As Jun turns his back to Sho and heads to the door, Sho finds a force out of nowhere to grab Jun’s wrist. When Jun turns around in surprise, Sho doesn’t hesitate to crash his lips on Jun’s, and pushes closer when he feels Jun’s moan in his mouth.

—

When Jun realizes what is happening, he pushes Sho off him. He curses himself internally that he let his body react to what is actually an inappropriate move from Sho.

“Please don’t do this.”

“Jun, I’m sorry, I’m—”

“Stop apologizing,” Jun shakes his head. “I’m leaving, Sho-san. That didn’t change anything.” Jun turns against Sho once again, heading to the door.

“Jun, wait!”

Jun takes a deep breath. He really doesn’t want to do this longer. He’s not going to let Sho hurt himself again only for them to be together. Jun knows what he’s done, and he knows his place.

“I was an idiot.”

Jun turns his face to look at Sho. Unexpectedly, Sho is smiling.

“I did think about that, Jun, that you stole my dream despite all you did was following what I’ve done. But I never blamed—well, I never _really_ blamed you. I always ended up blaming myself all the time. Because I couldn’t do as well as I wanted to. I didn’t hate you for living the dream that I once had. But every time I saw you, it reminded me of a failure I’ve done, and it hurt me more than it should.”

Jun freezes as Sho moves closer to him again.

“So please let me apologize for not treating you right before. If you let me, I would like to make amends to you. I need you in my life, Jun.”

Jun tries to keep his breathing steady as he can feel his resolution crumbling down. He doesn’t want to repeat this mistake. Sho will be happier without him around, and all he wants is for Sho to be happy.

“If, if you’re serious about this, if you really think that you need me in your life,” Jun takes a deep breath. “Why didn’t you come sooner? Why did you have to wait five years?”

Sho takes another step closer, and then he takes Jun’s hands in his. “Because I thought you were happier without me, and the last thing I want is to make you unhappy.”

Jun shakes his head. He doesn’t want to believe that. “And what makes you think now that I’m not unhappy with you around?”

Sho smiles. “How long have we been friends, Jun? I only need to look into your eyes to tell how you’ve really been feeling.”

Jun shakes his head again. This time, he doesn’t move anywhere when Sho pulls him into a hug.

“I miss you, Jun,” Sho whispers in Jun’s ear.

It doesn’t feel less weird for Jun to have Sho whisper the words to him like that. But probably this is what he really needs; Jun thinks as he puts his arms around Sho, hugging him back.

They let go after a few minutes, and Jun beats Sho to say. “This doesn’t mean that we’ll jump right where we left, Sho-san.”

Sho nods as he smiles at Jun. “Take all the time you need. I only want to make sure that I’m here for you to make you happy.”

Jun swats Sho’s head in return. “Stop being cheesy. That doesn’t suit you.”

Sho pouts at that, and Jun can’t help but giggle at how cute he looks. Sho follows giggling when he sees Jun doing so, and they just happen to stand there, in the middle of the private room of the bar in Asakusa, laughing together like two old friends.

—

The wine bottle feels a little heavy in Sho’s hand as he knocks the door of Jun’s apartment. It’s Valentine’s Day, and as the two are lucky enough not to have work today, they decided to have dinner at Jun’s place. Sho had suggested that they should cook together instead, but Jun laughed at the idea.

“What if I surprise you with the food and you get to choose whatever surprise you want for the drink choice?”

Sho didn’t immediately agree because he really wanted to cook with Jun. Well, to watch Jun cook, if he’s being completely honest. But Jun can be very persistent if he wants to. So Sho gave up and looked for the finest wine he could find. Thankfully, the bartender of the bar he often visits once told him about a good 1983 Chardonnay not so long ago. Sho doesn’t know what Jun is preparing, but he supposes bringing a fine wine from his birth year will be a nice gesture.

When Jun opens the door for Sho, he’s still wearing an apron around his waist. Sho grins at him, lifting his wine bottle, and Jun smiles back. He takes the wine bottle from Sho. “Get in, Sho-san. The food is almost done,” he says, before turning to go back to his kitchen.

Sho shuffles inside, closing the door behind him. He takes off his shoes and wears the slippers Jun has prepared for him, then follows Jun inside the apartment. Jun tells him to wait at the living room, but Sho insists he wants to help with the dining table at least. Jun silences him with a curt “No!” so Sho moves into the living room weakly.

Not fifteen minutes later, Jun calls out from the kitchen. Sho puts his phone back in his pocket and goes to the kitchen. It catches him in total surprise when he sees how Jun has arranged the dinner. The main lamp was turned off, and instead, small lights are coming from each corner of the room, giving dim illumination that is bright enough for eating but not too bright to fill the room with light. On the dining table, there is a big bowl of food and two empty plates, along with two wine glasses and the bottle of Chardonnay, already opened.

On one side of the table, there’s a small gift box. When Sho turns around to ask Jun about it, Jun beats him to it.

“That’s for you. Go sit down and eat now. Open it after we’re done eating.”

Sho’s eyes are blown at that, thinking of what it might be. Jun chuckles at that.

“Don’t be so surprised. It’s not anything important. I just want to give something for the occasion.”

“But I didn’t bring anything! You didn’t say we were going to exchange gifts!” Sho replies in horror.

Jun laughs at that. “Just eat. That doesn’t matter to me.”

Sho pouts and goes to sit down on the chair. His eyes go wide again when he sees what Jun prepares for the dinner. In the bowl, there’s pasta with a lot of different kinds of seafood. In a glance, Sho can notice there are shellfishes among the others. Sho looks at Jun in disbelief. “You.”

Jun just smiles and puts his hand in the air, gesturing for Sho to give his plate. So Sho gives Jun his plate and lets Jun fill it with the pasta.

Quietly, Sho promises himself that he’ll make it up to Jun for everything he’s done for the dinner tonight.

—

Jun doesn’t miss the way Sho shifts on his seat when he’s done putting away the dishes. The wine glasses and the half empty wine bottle are the only things left on the table. Well, those and the small gift box Jun put there before dinner. Jun knows that Sho wants to open it and see what’s inside, but he’s also waiting for Jun to tell him to open it first.

Jun returns to the dining table to Sho looking at him with hopeful eyes. Jun smiles at that. “You don’t have to wait for me to open the gift, Sho-san.”

Sho makes a small pout. “Okay,” he says, taking the gift box from the table.

Jun waits nervously as Sho slowly opens the box. He knows what’s inside the box, but he’s still unsure of how Sho’s reaction is going to be. After all, he was the one who said they should take things slowly when they reconciled a month ago. It’s actually a bit weird that he’s the one doing this gesture first.

Sho’s jaw drops when he finally sees what’s inside the box. Jun curses himself. Probably it was a wrong decision. It definitely is the wrong decision. What if Sho doesn’t want it? What if Sho wants to take things even slower?

“Is this a key?” Sho asks, even though it should be obvious if it is, indeed, a key.

“It is,” Jun answers. But he knows that wasn’t what Sho meant. Sho still looks at him curiously as Jun tries hard to say the words. “I made a copy of the key to this place. You can keep it.”

Sho looks even more surprised now, trying to say something but ends up stuttering.

“Or not, if you don’t want to keep it,” Jun adds quickly, feeling his heart falls as he says that.

“What? No!” Sho replies with a nervous laugh. “Of course I’ll keep it, but didn’t you say you wanted to take things slow?”

Jun sighs. “I do. But it’s you. I’ve known you for the most of my lifetime, and it’s just a key. You can come here whenever you want and I don’t mind. That just all—”

Jun doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Sho suddenly kisses him. Jun doesn’t even notice that Sho has moved from the other side of the table to be next to him. This time, Jun doesn’t hold back. He kisses Sho back fervently, pulling Sho closer to him so that they’re flushed against each other.

—

Sho doesn’t hold back when he feels Jun responding to his kiss. He tilts his head and licks Jun’s lips teasingly, pushing just so slightly. Jun opens up not long after, and Sho just takes it all. He doesn’t remember when was the last time Jun lets him do this, but he still can faintly remember Jun’s taste from back then. It hasn’t changed much.

They continue kissing in the middle of the dining room like nothing else matters. Sho feels Jun’s hands move on his back, lower, to land on his ass. Sho loses it when Jun then squeezes his ass. He moans on Jun’s mouth, feeling Jun so close, possessively taking all that Sho gives him.

Sho moves his hand to Jun’s chest, and the other to Jun’s hair, tugging it backward to break their kiss. He doesn’t miss the way Jun looks; face flushed and lips bruised from their kiss. He leans closer again, this time aiming for Jun’s neck. Pressing a kiss to a spot on Jun’s neck, Sho wonders if Jun has any new moles on his body that he never saw before. Sho can’t wait to discover.

Suddenly, Sho feels a pull on the back of his hair, followed by Jun’s mouth on his again. Sho feels Jun murmurs something to the kiss, but it doesn’t matter much as he feels Jun’s hardness rubbing against his crotch. The desire burning inside him continues to consume him as he reaches under Jun’s shirt to feel the skin. At the first contact of his hand with Jun’s chest, Jun sighs. Sho takes it as Jun’s agreement, and he moves his hand to reach Jun’s nipple, circling it with his finger and pinching it softly.

Jun squeezes his ass harder in return. When Sho moans hard at that, Jun breaks the kiss to nibble on Sho’s neck vein. Sho sucks a breath, feeling himself melting to the feeling of Jun’s lips against his skin. It burns, and Sho needs more of it.

They pull apart for a moment, Sho pulling Jun’s shirt over Jun’s head. Seeing the bare chest in front of him, Sho couldn’t help himself. He leans forward to give an open-mouthed kiss to the mole beside Jun’s nipple, then slides his lips to take Jun’s nipple inside his mouth. As he suckles on it, he can hear Jun groaning, which spurs him even more. He reaches for the other nipple with his hand, twisting it between his fingers. Jun hisses on that, then Sho feels Jun pulling his hair, intending to stop him, but the slight pain on his scalp only thrives Sho more.

“Sho,” Jun calls him in warning. Sho knows he has to stop, but he can’t. He traces upwards to Jun’s collarbones, biting lightly to leave a mark.

“Sho!” Jun pulls his head back harder, and the stinging pain stops Sho in an instant.

Sho looks up at Jun, not feeling even slightly apologetic. Seeing the look on Jun’s face, which he’s sure is the reflection of how he looks, Sho blurts out, “What?!”

Jun caresses the side of Sho’s face, closing his eyes. Sho could see him attempting to steady his breath. Seeing that, Sho panics. His mind jumps to different kinds of conclusions. Does Jun not want this? Did he do something wrong? Did he mistake it when Jun gave him the key to his house as his permission to do something like this?

Instead, Jun just smiles as he says, “Let’s move this to the bedroom.”

Sho surges forward to kiss Jun again, relieved. There’s nothing that he has to hold inside now, so he just kisses Jun hard and fervently, relishing the feeling that is Jun. Jun pushes him back until they hit the wall of Jun’s dining room. Sho moans as Jun traps him between Jun’s body and the wall, then ducks to bit on Jun’s neck when Jun rolls his hips against his. 

Jun pulls away then, to take Sho’s shirt off, and Sho takes the moment to push Jun back until they bump into another wall of Jun’s apartment. Instead of resisting, Jun pulls Sho closer by his ass, grinding their crotches together.

They lose their jeans on the way to the bedroom. It almost feels too long for Sho when his back finally lands on Jun’s bed, Jun hovering on top of his completely naked body. Jun ducks down to kiss him, and they’re making out again. Hands roaming on each other’s skin, hips grinding, tongues intertwining inside each other’s mouth.

It doesn’t feel right for Sho, though. His whole body is burning, but it seems like all they do is kissing. He wants to do more. He _needs_ to do more. Gathering all the strength he has, Sho pushes Jun with such a force so Jun lands with his back on the bed. Jun pulls Sho for another kiss, but Sho dodges it. He goes for Jun’s nipples once again, licking and biting them, hearing Jun hissing in return.

He goes lower, tracing Jun’s stomach with his tongue. Jun’s abs muscles are taut under his touch, and Sho loves seeing it. He continues licking until he reaches the band of Jun’s boxer briefs. He looks up at Jun, who looks back at him with a haze of lust evident in his eyes. Sho doesn’t wait anymore; he pulls down the last piece of clothing Jun is wearing.

Jun’s cock springs free, and at the sight of that, Sho feels hotter. He takes Jun’s cock with his mouth, greedily taking every inch of it. Jun yelps when Sho does that, trying to pull himself out of Sho’s mouth. But then Sho licks on the slit, pumping the shaft slowly with his hand, and Jun hisses, no longer resisting. Sho continues his ministration like that, licking and sucking and pumping, getting spurred by Jun’s moans and groans and hisses.

After a few minutes, Sho could feel Jun’s balls start to tense in his hands. When he tries to speed up his movements, however, Jun’s hand pulls his head.

“S—Stop,” Jun stutters. “T—top drawer,” he adds.

Sho doesn’t understand what Jun means, but he stops anyway. He goes to check Jun’s bedside drawer to find a bottle of lube and an empty box of condoms. Sho’s heart deflates. “You ran out of condoms.”

“I know,” Jun replies, his voice sounds angry. “Just—just come here and do it.”

“Jun, are you sure?” Sho sits on the edge of the bed, avoiding to touch Jun completely, doesn’t want the lust to cloud Jun’s judgment.

Jun groans at the question instead. “Are you clean?”

“I am.”

“Me too. Do you believe me?” Jun replies hastily.

“Do _you_ believe me?” Sho returns the question.

“Sho—please, just do it,” Jun pleads breathlessly.

Hearing his name rolling out from Jun’s lips pulls Sho back to his desire. If that is what Jun’s want, then he will not hesitate to give it to Jun.

Sho returns to his previous position, but this time, instead of taking Jun’s cock inside his mouth, he splays Jun’s legs apart. He traces a line from Jun’s perineum to Jun’s ass; hearing Jun hisses all the way. Jun is already so hard, it must be very sensitive down there.

Sho takes the bottle of lube, opens it, and pushes some to his palm to warm it. Looking at Jun’s impatient eyes, he smears it to his finger and pushes inside. Jun sucks a deep breath at the first intrusion. Sho pushes and pulls slowly, going around and crooking his finger inside, until he feels Jun relaxed. Then he adds another, and another, going knuckles deep, brushing on the spot Sho’s fingers memorized a few years ago.

“Sho—,” Jun calls him between his whimpers after a while of Sho has three fingers inside him. “Sho, please.”

Sho doesn’t need to hear more. He takes the still opened tube of lube, pressing it out to his palm, then rubs it on his cock. He sighs at the contact, pumping a little, savoring the touch on his cock after a few minutes being neglected.

Jun whines when Sho accidentally brushes his prostate with his fingers again. Sho then pulls out completely, making Jun whine again. He lifts Jun’s legs, putting one on his shoulder and letting the other one hold on his hips. Sho puts the head of his cock in front of Jun’s hole, receiving an impatient “hurry” from Jun.

Sho starts pushing in slowly, groaning at the warmth surrounding the head of his cock. He pulls and pushes back slowly until Jun can’t take it anymore and pulls Sho with his leg. Both groans when Sho bottoms out, feeling the slide of bare skin over skin, feeling each other so close. Sho opens his eyes—not remembering when he closed them—to see Jun looking back at him with nothing but lust in his eyes.

As Sho starts moving inside, Jun’s leg moves to Sho’s back, and then he pulls again. This time, Sho falls flushed on top of Jun, his cock pushing even deeper. Sho puts one arm beside Jun’s head as leverage, and uses his other hand to grab Jun’s face. He kisses Jun, all teeth and tongue.

After a few slow thrusts, Sho feels Jun’s moan in his mouth. Sho’s body starts moving on its own then, thrusting in and out of Jun so hard and fast. Their mouths barely holding on each other, the kiss turns sloppy as the both of them fucking vigorously. Sho moves his hand from Jun’s hand to Jun’s cock, pumping it along with his thrusts.

For a few minutes, the room is filled with the heady heat of sex, the sound of their skins slapping, their groans and moans, and the bed thumping against the wall. The both of them barely caring about it, letting their most primal desire consuming them for the first time in the long years of separation.

It doesn’t take long for Sho to reach his edge, feeling Jun’s skin bare around the skin of his cock. “I’m close,” he tells Jun.

“I’m here too,” Jun replies. “With me, Sho.”

They tip over the edge together, Sho coming inside Jun, Jun spurting his cum on Sho’s stomach. Nobody moves for a moment, both still and pant, overwhelmed by their orgasm.

When Sho has come down from his high, he rolls over to Jun’s side. “I should help you clean up.”

“Later,” Jun says. “Stay here,” Jun warns as he takes Sho’s hand and laces their fingers.

Sho feels Jun looking at him from the side, so he turns his head to look at Jun.

Jun smiles at him. “I’ve missed you.”

Sho smiles back. This is the first time Jun says that since their first meeting a few months ago. “I know. I’ve missed you too,” Sho replies, then leans closer to kiss Jun’s bruised lips softly.


End file.
